by Dr. Justin J. Duckham

Photos by: Shyan Izadian

The origins of Gwar are unclear.  Some claim that they are a group of bloodthirsty scum dogs exiled by the master of the universe to this insignificant planet, only to be awoken centuries later by the effects of human pollution.  Others say that they are a group of former University students and punks who decided to merge and start a band.  But one thing is certain, I’ve lost hearing.  To promote their latest album, 'Beyond Hell', Gwar has assumed their rightful place as headliners for this years Sounds of the Underground Tour.  Following their performance, we caught up with Balsac the Jaws of Death, and Flattus Maximus for a pleasant little chat, discussing topics ranging from the Minneapolis bridge collapse to coping with suicidal depression as a mortal human being.

Flattus: What do you want human?

Justin: We’re from Crypt magazine.  Crypt Magazine from Las Vegas.

F: Nice, Nice.  They banned us in Las Vegas, I think Crypt magazine and all its readers should know that Gwar will not be appearing on the Sounds of the Underground show in Las Vegas because we are really good gamblers and they have banned us from the Mandalay Bay House of Blues, straight up. 

Balsac: We will be in Albuquerque which is way bigger a city.  With way more….

F: The only reason we’re not playing a Las Vegas Show is because I’m a known card counter.  It’s technically illegal, they will break my kneecaps if I show up in any casino in Las Vegas. 

J: Cool, So I thought I’d be interviewing you guys in character….

F: We are!  Don’t you see the huge jaws of death on his head! (Points to Balsac) you squirmy little human pimple! Don’t make me pop you! By the way, we look great and your costumes suck (Stares at Justin’s gut).  Do you have any questions?  Redeem yourself human!  Please.

J: Alright, so Gwar has been a long time proponent of senseless murder.  But as of late violence in our society has become more meaningful, be it through ideology fueled terrorism or “liberations”.  How would you suggest we return to run of the mill, recreational brutality?

(Long silence.)

F: Is that a question?

B: You lost me after, “Gwar”.

F: I think he’s writing a thesis.  You know, Gwar is absolutely violent, in all social scenarios, absolutely, don’t you think, Balsac?

B: In all scenarios?

F: You think the bridge collapsing in Minneapolis was a coincidence?  Gwar just came through Minneapolis dude!  When our fucking thunderous death machine rolls across highways in America, bridges collapse like in Minneapolis.

J: Really?

F: Cattle raped, villages pillaged,

J: So what’s going to happen to San Jose tomorrow?

F: San Jose?  There is no San Jose.  It’s already been decimated tonight.  We’ll drop a bridge on it.

B: We have bridges stacked in the tour bus ready to be dropped. 

J: So how does one become a Gwar slave?  Because I was thinking of going to law school, but you know living a lifestyle of servitude for you guys would be more fulfilling. 

B: Uh, no it wouldn’t.  But law school sucks, too. 

F: Slaves of Gwar, they’re hard to come by.  Basically you get paid to eat fish, and we’re not talking about salmon or shrimp, it’s not a pretty thing.  And there’s Oderous, the cuttlefish (Oderus’ three foot cock), and you

B: It’s not good at all unless you like anal rape. 

J: Are you guys tired of Oderous yet?

F: Are we tired of Oderous?  Actually Oderous is just tired, he’s asleep right now.  He’s so old we just call him ‘Olderous’. 

J: In Beyond Hell you guys went to Hell, was that worse than Virginia?

B: I don’t know, it was just as human.

F: They have better hors d’œuvres, though.  But they do pork barbeque instead of beef barbeque.

J: Balsac, you contemplate suicide on dates.  How do you kill the pain of being alive?
(Balsac gulps a full cup of beer and throws it on the ground)

F: That’s a big bucket of boos that’s all I’m sayin’. 

B: What was the question?  No I mean it sucks being a depressed, suicidal individual, and also being a mortal at the same time.  There’s nothing I can do about it, I try and try.  Everyday I think of another way to kill myself. 
(Equipment van approaches)

B: Like right now I’m gonna throw myself in front of the van. 
(Balsac then lied down on the pavement in front of van.  Miraculously, he lived. )

F: That was more like a sit-in really. 

J: So what’s the future of Gwar, what’s after this?

B: Cleveland! Wait, no, we’ve already played Cleveland…

F: Our goal was world domination but I think we pretty much failed at that for the last 20 years, but I think our failure is our greatest success, so I think we’re gonna keep working on that one. 

J: Are you guys worried that humans will be killed off by terrorism or bird flu before you guys have a chance?

F: I don’t know, I think all those are really divine intervention from Gwar; you guys are just labeling it something else.  But really Gwar is the mastermind, actually I should say Oderus is really the mastermind behind all of that stuff.  He usually does that stuff in his dreams ‘cuz he’s tired right now, he’s Olderus.  He’s dreaming about your death right now, and when he’s done dreaming it actually happens to you.  That’s how it works.
(Just then Oderous stumbles out of the tour bus looking dazed.  He mumbles.)

F: Oh my god it’s Oderus coming to the interview!

Oderus: I saw you, with the fucking hair, in front of the barricades! 

J: Yeah, that was me. 

O: (Mumbles)

J: Well guys, thanks a lot for the interview, the show was awesome. 

B: Yeah, I liked Suicidal Tendencies too.

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