CRYPT MAGAZINE: sex. horror. rocknroll.

In this issue: Music CD reviews of 2 Cents, Alien Sex Fiend, Autumn Black, The Barbarellatones, Blitzkid, The Chelsea Smiles, Crud, Glenn Danzig, Die Hunns, Echoes of Eternity, Eidolon, Ekotmorf, Evolocity, Force of Evil, Fragments of Unbecoming, Rory Gallagher, God Dethroned, (hed) p.e., Hypocrisy, I, Iron Maiden, KCUF, L.A. Guns, Jerry Lee Lewis, Los Burbanks, Mendeed, Merendine Atomiche, Mnemic, Motörhead, Mower, Nekromantix, New York Dolls, Robert Plant, Robot Goes Here, Slayer, Speed/Kill/Hate, Spyderbaby, The Stooges, Therion, Thor, Towers of London, UFO, Warrant, Wicked Wisdom, and Zombina and the Skeletones.

Film Review of: 'Turistas'

DVD and Film Reviews of: 'Porn of the Dead,' Nine Inch Nails-'LIVE - BESIDE YOU IN TIME,' 'Hard Candy,' 'Ghost Rider,' 'The Hitcher.'

Reviews by: The Pusher, Rachel, K.K., Lexa Vonn, J.J.2.NUTS!, Dr. Justin J. Duckham.

2 CENTS
Lost At Sea
(Atlantic)

2 Cents is a band with a drummer who sings, but don’t go mistaking hard hitting frontman/drummer, Adam O’Rourke for Phil Collins just yet. This L.A. based quartet has captured the whole new school metal thing in the best way one can, with flavorings from old school! I enjoyed this album because I think 2 Cents may have created a style of metal that can span to several different audiences where so many others of the ilk get pigeonholed. I can hear the staple new school rage of bands like Slipknot and Lamb of God represented here as well as the nice reminiscence of Slayer and old Metallica riffs creeping in here and there to please us older folks and giving the kids a lesson in the roots of rock. What’s even better is- I can understand the lyrics, which is something I personally require to truly connect to an album. It’s refreshing to hear a vocalist that can hold a note as well as he can hold a scream. 2 Cents are painfully aware of the current state of watered down, sappy studio pop that is presently being presented to kids as rock n’ roll (as discussed in the track “Victims of Pop Culture,”) and they are ready to strap on their armored guitars and join the fight in the re-education of the "MTV without music videos generation." They also fancy playing the occasional maximum-security youth correctional facility. “It’s about challenging ourselves to win an uphill battle as opposed to just playing the average rock show and selling t-shirts,” says O’Rourke. They had me at the first line heard on the album “she wore a wedding dress to the funeral…” -Lexa Vonn

Alien Sex Fiend
Para-Abnormal
(13th Moon Records)

A sampler to commemorate the 10 year anniversary of the band’s own label, 13th Moon Records, it is ripe with the unavailable, unreleased and unexpected! Offering 10 tormented tracks spanning all the singles and albums issued since the label’s foundation in 1996. Chock full of weird instrumentals and remixes, this album is a must have for true blue Alien Sex Fiend fans. It was a little on the noisy side, though. I still prefer their earlier stuff. -LV

Autumn Black
Beneath The Shadows
(Throwdown Records)

One thing I’ve learned from bumming around the country:
In every town there’s a community center where hard working kids put on bad ass shows that help quell the pain of living in suburbia. That said, there’s always the shitty opening band. They’re the ones who play second-rate screamo to a nearly empty room. When the crowd fails to start a circle pit or whatnot, they’ll blame the audience for being pansies, when really, not even a Parkinson’s patient would move to them.
While most of these bands languish in a deserved obscurity, Autumn Black is on tour, and spreading the auditory equivalent of a punctured lung across state lines. God help us all.
On 'Beneath The Shadows,' the Los Angeles based four piece struggle through thirteen forgettable tracks, all marked with epic titles and “poetic” lyrics that come straight out of a sixteen year old Hot Topic kid’s diary.

Exhibit A:

“Buried in Silence”
The chorus is
“Here I’m waiting for you, Now I’m hurting for you, Here I’m waiting for you, Now I’m hurting for you…”

Then repeat until satisfied, which is Autumn Black’s case is about fifty fucking times. Maybe that’s the secret to their song writing. If you can’t think of anything original, replace quality with quantity and sing the same damn line over and over.

Exhibit B:

“Salvation”
“You by my side is the only way to save me, I never lost my faith in you, I never lost my love for you.”

I can’t tell what this song is about. If it’s written for a chick, it’s grounds for castration. If it’s written for Jesus, it’s grounds for excommunication.

Exhibit C:

“Ashes”

“Sorrow the day, end of the struggle, feast on the perils of injustice.”

Wow. I can almost visualize the angst dripping from my stereo and staining my carpet.

I hate to be cruel, since I’m sure these fellahs are working hard, but people need to start crying foul now in the face of this schlock. This brand of quasi metal may be the future of rock, but like global warming and President John McCain, is it really a future worth accepting? -Dr. J.J. D

Barbarellatones
'Invasion of the Surf Zombies'
(Sex With Lurch Music)

I absolutely loved this CD because it amuses me in a way I thought only 'Weird Al' Yankovic could. They have a very simple 1950's era sound that is neither annoying nor impressive. They feature lines such as "Wicked Wahini, she's got a wienie," and "I had sex with a C.H.U.D, she looks like Elmer Fudd."

I definitely wouldn't recommend this as music that you would want to seduce someone with however if you are driving the 5 to L.A. it would surely
help alleviate some road rage symptoms. I nearly snorted out my Red Bull
while I was listening to the "Bat Queen" parody song that features what
sounds to be like two hardcore flaming San Fransisco gender bending queens.

Out of all the music I have reviewed over the years for Crypt Magazine
this is surely the most unique group that I have come upon. While they
don't feature a lot of impressive technical touches like Bella Morte, they
are still worth investing in due to their original sound and silly,
entertaining quality. -Rachel

Barbarellatones
'Interview with a Glampire'
(Sex With Lurch Music)

Gothabilly surf glam at its best! If Bela Lugosi and Annette Funicello had ever filmed a movie together, this album would be the soundtrack. Who could forget singer Robbie Quine’s earlier band, Sex With Lurch with its drag-queen back-up vocal trio and Adams Family looking keyboard player? If you lived in Southern California circa 2000-2002, you most definitely caught this novelty act dominating the best of the glam revival clubs. Robbie has definitely continued spreading the contagious camp of his earlier work with the Barbarellatones. They display a mid-70’s dark glam sound with often-comical lyrics, all without compromising the beautiful melodies and interesting instrumental arrangements. We even here a violin and electric sitars on a few of the songs. I like this album. I think I’d like it even better on acid. Highly recommended for fans of The Cramps, The Damned and psychedelic beach blanket bingo parties. -LV

Gothabilly surf glam at its best! If Bela Lugosi and Annette Funicello had ever filmed a movie together, this album would be the soundtrack. Who could forget singer Robbie Quine’s earlier band, Sex With Lurch with its drag-queen back-up vocal trio and Adams Family looking keyboard player? If you lived in Southern California circa 2000-2002, you most definitely caught this novelty act dominating the best of the glam revival clubs. Robbie has definitely continued spreading the contagious camp of his earlier work with the Barbarellatones. They display a mid-70’s dark glam sound with often-comical lyrics, all without compromising the beautiful melodies and interesting instrumental arrangements. We even here a violin and electric sitars on a few of the songs. I like this album. I think I’d like it even better on acid. Highly recommended for fans of The Cramps, The Damned and psychedelic beach blanket bingo parties. -LV

Blitzkid
Five Cellars Below
(Fiend Force)

The Misfits influence is heavy on this one, however it is definitely reminiscent of the poppier later-day Michael Graves Misfits (aka The Shitfits -DN,) not the raw fury Danzig days. The songs are melodic and somewhat romantic with campy horrorific lyrics. I liked the tunes “Mary and the Storm” and “Carve Out a Heart” best because they were the only songs on the album that sounded like their own as opposed to a Misfits rip-off. The cover of Concrete Blonde’s “Bloodletting” was weak as well. My advice, if you want to do horror rock, combine more influences together than just Michael Graves. If they worked on their originality they might actually have something -LV

The Chelsea Smiles
'Thirty Six Hours Later'
(Acetate)

Although singer Todd Youth (former Murphy’s Law, Motorhead, Danzig) hails from New York City, The Chelsea Smiles are L.A. bar rock at its finest. They remind me of what every band in Hollywood sounded like at the early turn of the Millennium, only they are somehow memorable where many of those other bands were forgotten. This is a fun album with catchy hooks and an upbeat tempo. It’s a blend of good ole beer swillin’ rock n’roll with a little punk and a little 70’s glam. Highlights include a cover of the New York Dolls' “Chatterbox”. Good for drinking, fucking and fighting. Recommended for fans of Backyard Babies. -LV

CRUD
'Devil at the Wheel'
(Independent)

The second I put in this album, I recognized the first track, “Reality” from the early millennium teen nighttime drama, “Popular”. It was the song that the badass psycho character Nicole was listening to in her car as she plowed over the homecoming queen on the series finale. It was great stuff then, and its great stuff now. It turns out that the band’s songs have actually been the soundtrack of choice for many major television shows on channels such as MTV, HBO, Comedy Central and Sci Fi. Nice going guys- everyone knows that there is way more money in licensing than in selling records these days. But one question comes to mind…why the HELL aren’t these guys signed?! This band is pro enough and they possess enough talent to be huge stars in my opinion. Fronted by Vinnie Dombroski (who the Austin Chronicles calls one of rock’s most mesmerizing frontman) and burlesque beauty Danielle Arsenault- Crud blasts out a sound that could give bands like Powerman 5000 and My Life With the Thrill Kill Cult a run for their money. Their bio describes their live show as “super-charged sex rock with gas masks, bikinis and blood”. My mouth waters at the thought of seeing them live. I demand Rob Zombie to hire them as an opening act NOW!!!!!! -LV

Glenn Danzig
Black Aria II
(evilive)

I have to like this album. Not because I am a longtime Misfits/Samhain/Danzig fan, although that is true. And not because Glenn is taking a brave and brazen risk by releasing a crossover instrumental classical album, though that is also true. But I love this album for reasons other than those related to the music business or the art of recording technique. I love this album because I am a rebellious woman! Black Aria II was inspired by and is a tribute to what may have been the world’s first rebellious woman, The Bible’s Lilith. The story of Lilith tells that she was Adam’s first wife, made indivisually at the same time as him. The problem with Lilith was that she refused to be subservient to Adam. Some versions of the story say she was cast out by God, others say she told Adam to go screw himself and took off. Either way, it many folklore since she has become a demon, a succubus, or to some familiar with the alternative religions, a goddess. To me, Lilith is the high priestess of the independent woman and whatever Glenn’s take on the story is, I got to love him for playing music to her. The album is chock full of thundering organ, otherworldly chants, operatic lamentations, poignant strings, ominous percussion and ritualistic chimes. It plays like a gothic meditation album…I can’t wait to hear it in an altered state. Take that as you may. -LV

Die Hunns
You Rot Me
(Volcom)

Duane Peters is apparently in rehab. If I had heard this a month ago, I wouldn’t have cared too much. His former band, “U.S. Bombs”, always seemed like a mere fad band that kids going through a punk phase would listen to for a month before abandoning them for the next fashionable rebellion. I was never too into skating either, so his career in that realm didn’t impress me either. However, after hearing Die Hunns I’ve had a change of heart. Even if rehab is just a scam, he needs to make it through. Or at least fake it. The future of punk may depend on him and Ex-Nashville Pussy Corey Parks.

At their best, the only thing separating Die Hunns from The Clash is a British accent. They’re that good. Songs like “You Rot Me” and “Mad Society” sound like they could’ve been snuck onto “London Calling” without anybody suspecting that they weren’t penned by Strummer and the gang.

Even better, the lyrics are razor sharp. “Rock N Roll Boulevard” is part poetry, part battle cry, and completely haunting in its description of the effects that age and conformity take on rockers.

As for the instrumental side, it evokes the best of 1970’s New York punk, and not in the Dead Boys or Ramones sense, although many of the songs do have their energy, but ala’ Television. The riff in “Die For Me” even pays homage (or rips off. Depends how you look at it) to the classic “Marquee Moon”.

If the band doesn’t resume touring, it’ll be a tragedy. Punk’s not quite dead, but it’s certainly in a coma. Die Hunns may be able to wake it up. -Dr. J.J. D

Echoes of Eternity
The Forgotten Goddess
(Nuclear Blast)

This album would be way better with the annoying over-use of double bass drum. Their bio suggests that they are trying to create a somewhat serene spiritual experience but the constant barrage of drums is just distracting. Singer Francine Boucher has a nice voice with little dynamics displayed on this recording but her sound works for the whole goth drone thing. I’d rather hear her singing to the backdrop of Dead Can Dance or Switchblade Symphony. The guitars and those damn fucking drums just don’t go anywhere in these songs! -LV

Eidolon
'The Parallel Otherworld'
(Escapi)

Another treat from Scandinavia. Eidolon sound like a darker heavier version of old Queensryche. The Parallel Otherworld is an epic concept album about multi-dimensional time travel. The lyrics are innovative and poetic and the music ranges from driven to ethereal. The last track on the album, “The Oath,” was written by King Diamond and the boys do it much justice. I really like the slower ones on this CD because they showcase the true musicianship and intricate orchestration that so many bands from this genre don’t get enough credit for. -LV

Ektomorf
Outcast
(Nuclear Blast)

Death metal done with a little more punk and a little more hardcore. Another bio that alludes to intelligent lyrics, but I can’t understand a word over the distorted throat wrenching. And what I could make out really wasn’t too thought provoking. I really wish bands of this genre would learn how to sing. They took a chance by slowing things down on “Who Can I Trust” and even added the use of East Indian music in the background complete with sintar. It would’ve been something I could praise, except even on what could’ve been a ballad, they ruin it with screamy vocals. -LV

Evolocity
'Evolocity'
(Nuerra Records)

These guys come out of Vermont and it shows. The production work is good, and it should be, considering it was produced and engineered by Bill Kennedy (Nine Inch Nails, Filter). But the rest of the details surrounding this band are a little too cheesy for me. For instance, the names of the band members are Aaron, Jazz, Raydn 1, Melon and Cor(e). Sounds like they’d be action figures, or more likely, boy-band dolls. The picture on the back of their CD just screams “trying too hard” in their black and red jackets and ties that in no way match their actual appearance. They look like Matchbox 20 after rampaging Marilyn Manson’s garage sale during his “Antichrist Superstar” days. And they sound like Matchbox 20 as well. I guess if you wished Matchbox 20 were a little edgier, than this is the band for you. -LV

Force of Evil
'Black Empire'
(Escapi Music)

Five long haired dudes from Denmark playing metal the way it should be…the REAL way! Forces of Evil don’t need to mask their sound with repetitive double bass drums, inaudible vocals or multi-layered backing tracks. They are playing heavy metal in the true classic early 80’s way…organically. This band consists of Bjarne T. Holm on drums, Hal Patino on bass, Michael Denner and Hank Shermann guitars and singer Martin Steene (basically Mercyful Fate minus the master of the macabre, KING FUCKIN' DIAMOND -DN,) who’s vocal range spans from the sultry low moans of Type O Negative’s Peter Steele to the high pitched falsetto of Ronnie James Dio. I wish more modern “metal” bands would take a cue from bands like this, who are still representing during a time where most bands can barely play an extended guitar solo. Force of Evil’s lyrics are mostly horror inspired with songs that pay homage to every famous slasher from Leatherface to little Damien. They leer at you from behind leather jackets, shades and multi cross necklaces while they rip into heavy metal howls that make one want to throw the devil horns in the air. Sure, it’s a little on the cheesy side- but isn’t that what heavy metal was all about in the first place? The guitar-hero solos, the operatic singing, the scary lyrics…It’s what made that kind of music great. The most amazing thing about the original metal bands of the 80’s as well as revival bands like this is the amazing amount of musical talent that actually is there. We so rarely hear this kind of musicianship among rock band’s of today. Break out your Iron Maiden tabs, boils and ghouls! -LV

Fragments of Unbecoming
'Sterling Black Icon: Chapter III-Black But Shining'
(Metal Blade)

What is with the vomiting sounds into the microphone? This bands instrumental is fantastic but the minute the singer starts with the talent less GRRGRGRGRGRGR MY PENIS IS SMALL SO IM GONNA YELLLLLLLLLLLGRGRGRRGRGRGRRRRRAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW vocals, I begin to hope that he joins a cult and offs himself.

Seriously, what the fuck? Why would you fuck something up that could have sounded good? Everyone else in the band has their shit together but the lazy lead singer apparently figures that sounding like a bowel movement might confuse or annoy listeners so much so that they won’t take the time to ask him why the fuck he never learned how to sing.

Seriously, continue with the unbecoming or at least go back to the part where the band was just forming but WITHOUT the lead singer. I want my 48 minutes and 26 seconds back, fuckers. -Rachel

Rory Gallagher
'Live at Montreux'
(Eagle)

What an interesting mix I get to review this issue! I, not so surprisingly, enjoyed this compilation of the late Mr. Gallaghers. His music is Vietnam era rock, Irish roots, dashes of old country tonk with a bit of blues tossed in.

Mr Gallagher is known as “the outstanding pioneer of Irish rock." It is unfortunate that he is no longer on this plane of existence.

My favorite songs on this collection are: “Shin Kicker," “Brought and Sold," and “Out on the Western Plain”.

His guitar skills are impressive; picking out a bluesy jig, he puts you into another time, a moment outside of yourself. A moment similar to when you were a child, listening intently to a story your grandparents would spin for you about their parents and the old world. (For those of you that aren’t 10th generation American, you will understand.) Combine that with a smoky jazz café and you have the feel of his music.

New bands should take heed. There are qualities in his music that should not be forgotten, and newer bands would be wise to recycle those qualities and make it their own. -Rachel

GHOST RIDER
Marvel Films; Produced by Avi Arad, Written and Directed by Mark Steven Johnson, Starring Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Wes Bentley, Peter Fonda, Sam Elliott.

     As a comic book character, GHOST RIDER is Marvel’s ‘cult hit’. The ‘Rider is simultaneously a motorcyclist, a lycanthrope, a stuntman, a demon, a vigilante, and an advertisement for Harley Davidson. What’s not to love? The only way to make Ghost Rider more macho would be to make him a part-time country-western or blues guitarist.
     As such, the film version of GHOST RIDER never pretends to be something it’s not. It’s a slick CGI joyride with a great supporting cast (Peter Fonda makes an excellent Mephistopheles, and Sam Elliott as ‘The Caretaker’ could talk anyone into believing they were cursed). The plot’s paper thin (Nicolas Cage sells his soul to the devil to cure his father’s cancer—who dies anyway—and gets enslaved into protecting an evil artifact hunted by rebel demons) and nobody notices. Stunts, races, flames, explosions and battles ensue, complete with the obligatory overload of special effects.
     The chief special effect of GHOST RIDER, Cage’s transformation from human to flame-skulled monster, is Cage’s best performance. Otherwise, he’s half Elvis Presley and half Ricky Bobby, with less dialogue (When he tells Eva Mendes “Pull over, I want to talk to you!” I told my date “Because I just learned how to talk! This talking stuff is cool!”). Since the title character is generally a flaming skeleton, anyone could have played him, but Cage’s name should ensure a safe box office return. Eva Mendes emotes well enough for eye candy. Wes Bentley seems to have diabolical fun as the demon Blackheart, and his three evil elemental cohorts have nifty powers even if they look like a satanic ‘NSYNC.
     One slight fly in the oilpaste is that the Ghost Rider is indestructible (this is the bad-ass who smacked down Wolverine, Spider-Man, The Hulk and Thor in assorted Marvel battles), and it’s tough to cheer for someone who doesn’t need cheering. The flashy fight scenes crafted by Mark Steven Johnson are all over in seconds. Still, flash is the name of the game, and GHOST RIDER delivers plenty of flash. —K.K

God Dethroned
'The Toxic Touch'
(Metal Blade)

It always seems that European metal is so much better than American metal. God Dethroned combines death metal vocals that are of the growling kind but still audible enough to make out the lyrics with impressive 80’s style metal guitar parts and lots of hard hitting double bass drums. They remind me a little of Death and Nuclear Assault. There’s not much to differentiate one song from the next, with the exception of “Away from Emptiness”, which is a beautiful and sorrowful slow instrumental piece. Fans of black metal and death metal will dig it. -LV

HARD CANDY
Vulcan Filmworks; Directed by David Slade; Starring Patrick Wilson, Ellen Paige, Sandrah Oh.

Can a film be great and terrible at the same time? In the case of HARD CANDY, yes. Well before its release on DVD, it was being touted as “Riveting and Terrifying”, and a “Fatal Attraction for a new generation.” It’s also an example of how a great film can be made with one location, a minimal cast, and a budget of only $100,000 or so. Performances are stellar, especially in the case of the youthful Ms. Paige. Mr. Slade’s direction and cinematography are beautifully ultra-focused, making this one-set thriller look like it cost millions more. Ironically, those triumphs only make HARD CANDY more of a torture to watch.
HARD CANDY begins with a common enough Internet chatroom ‘hook-up’, which becomes quickly uncommon when the protagonist is a thirty-something photographer and his newfound friend is a fourteen year-old girl. (During their first public meeting at a coffee shop, they’re loudly exchanging sexual innuendoes, and are surrounded by MISSING CHILD flyers…and nobody else blinks a damned eye!) Back at the photographer’s house, what could become a lurid exercise in pedophilia instead becomes an ongoing torture session when the young lady reveals her own agenda, courtesy of some drugs, a stun-gun, and a scalpel.
HARD CANDY is indeed riveting and terrifying…but moreover, it’s sickening. (In fact, the only way it could be worse would be to have the photographer’s plan win out over the girl’s. Maybe there’s a Japanese version that provides that.) Perhaps some viewers would be entertained by watching a potential child molester have the tables turned on them, but Paige’s sadistic monologues and Wilson’s pathetic pleas for mercy quickly become the opposite of entertainment. While the filmmakers are bold in their use of taboo subject matter, the earlier films M and THE WOODSMAN explore it in a manner that doesn’t make you want to puncture your own eardrums and eyes. HARD CANDY should be required viewing for anyone who thinks of becoming a film critic. Thankfully, it’s not required viewing for anyone else. —K.K.

(hed) p.e.
Back to Base X
(Suburban Noize)

A surprisingly mature album from “G-punkers”, (hed) p.e. Back to Base X was recorded live in the studio sans fancy studio tweaks and multi-layered tracks. While the band stays true to their blend of old school punk and hip-hop, this album shows a new introspective side to an otherwise badass band. Lyrically, it is pure genius focusing on the search for historical truth in a matrix of media induced and political lies. The topics are original and thought provoking. It is so refreshing to hear a hard band discuss things other than the clichés of casual sex, drugs and violence. This album is about something that is way more threatening and dangerous than any of the topics that most rappers and hardcore bands discuss. It’s about knowledge. The risk they’ve taken here makes this their most badass album to date. -LV

Hypocrisy
Virus
(Nuclear Blast)

How many albums like this can one really have in their collection? Another cliché death metal album chock full of Cookie Monster vocals, double bass drums and typical metal guitar riffs. I wouldn’t recognize this band from any other of its genre. Boring… -LV

I
Between Two Worlds
(Nuclear Blast)

During Immortal’s 3-year hiatus after 13 years as one of black metal’s pioneering bands, leader Abbath Doom Occulta spent his time off resting, getting healthy and refocusing. But more interestingly, he spent some time playing in a Motorhead tribute band. It was this move that brought him back to the music world as he recruited friends from fellow metal bands Enslaved, Gorgoroth and Immortal’s own drummer, Armagedda to form I, a rock-infused black metal band that sounds like a darker Motorhead. Between Two Worlds gets a little repetitive in sound at times but all and all is a pretty good album. I respect someone from this genre of music experimenting with a crossover sound where so many others stick to the old formula. I’d be excited to hear what future albums sound like. -LV

Iron Maiden
'A Matter of Life and Death'
(Sanctuary)

Here at IRON MAIDEN, "Quality Is Job One." Throughout our lengthy career, we’ve been pioneers and trendsetters, and we’ve outlasted countless competitors by delivering quality heavy metal songs. What’s behind all of our quality songs is, of course, quality riffs. That’s why we use no less than three lead guitarists to play the exact same riff the exact same way, ten thousand times over, until we can be sure of its quality. You, the metal fan, can be assured of the exact same quality riffs on our new CD 'A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH' because you’ve heard them before on 'NO PRAYER FOR THE DYING,' 'FEAR OF THE DARK,' 'BRAVE NEW WORLD,' and 'DANCE OF DEATH.' You’ve bought those CDs because of their quality, and we’re hoping you’re going to buy this one too, so we’re going to make sure you receive the exact same quality you’ve come to expect from Iron Maiden.
In addition to our famous quality riffs, you’ll also be receiving the same quality lyrics: War, Horror, Soul-searching, and Paranoia about the machinations of the Illuminati…it’s all here on 'A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.' Gone are the flighty intellectual references to classic novels and films, as well as any positive thoughts at all. As there can be no true quality without consistency, we’ve ensured that original vocalist Bruce Dickinson sings each song in the exact same vocal register, and bassist Steve Harris and Drummer Nicko McBrain deliver the same quality rhythms you’ve enjoyed for the last ten years. Now, that’s consistency! Producer Kevin Shirley, the same producer of our last two albums, has once again set up the drum microphones exactly the same way as before. The result is a CD of such consistent quality that you will be unable to determine one song from the next.
The new Iron Maiden CD 'A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH' also contains a bonus DVD of 'The Making of A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.' Now that’s quality. (3 out of 5 Crypts) -K.K.

KCUF
'Modern Primitve Punk'
(Corporate Punishment Records)

Just as I was beginning to enjoy the sound of this band, I come across the song "Goldfish Dj Starscream Remix" which sounds like a raver decided to
record someone's bowel functions and set it to a techno beat. If I wanted to listen to a series of musical notes plummeting out of someones bum, I would
pay a visit to my husband while he is occupado in the restroom after eating Del Taco.

If I weren't such a anal retentive, mean bitch I could absolutely
ignore that fubar of a song. Anyone who likes TOOL or EarthCrisis will
appreciate the tune "Every Second," the opening somewhat reminds be a bit of
the tune "Sober" while the end of the tune reminds me of "Firestorm." The
vocals are very impressive. The singer has the ability to be both primal and
seductive in a way only the devil could tempt.

On the song titled "The 5th" they (the chatty cathy fuckers) just need to
shut the fuck up and play. If I want to listen to babbling, I'll feed Anna
Nicole some pills and turn her loose in Legoland. Actually, that's a
brilliant idea! Set it to the tune of "Bloodbath" and it could be a tragic
comedy that even the mildly sadistic would enjoy.

KCUF would be wise to stick with songs like "Bloodbath," "Every Second,"
and "Deadlights." If they continue to put shit out like "The 5th" or
"Chester Monkey Dump," regardless of the celebrities they have working on
their album, it?s still shit. The good side to this is instead of paying
money to ticketmaster to see them perform, you'll get to see them for free
on street corners. Be kind, remember they work for tips mmkay? -Rachel

L.A. Guns
'Loud And Dangerous'
(Shrapnel)

It’s always good to hear a live set from L.A.Guns; they never fail to entertain, and they consistently deliver the sleazy spirit of glam metal without the glam…these are some hard-bitten metal veterans who have somehow survived the ups and downs of Hollywood chaos for 18 years now, while a legion of other Sunset Strip bands have faded away.
“Loud and Dangerous” unleashes Guns in their element, with all their heavy hitters: “No Mercy”, “Sex Action”, “Never Enough”, “Electric Gypsy”, “Rip and Tear”, “One More Reason”, Ballad of Jayne”, and others. This in itself makes “Loud And Dangerous” a good value for any rock ‘n roller…the Guns could’ve called this “Greatest Hits Live” but perhaps they’re saving that title for another show.
On “Loud and Dangerous”, Phil Lewis sings and screams his throat out as usual, still hitting the all the notes he’s grated before, and the band sounds in good form…Stacy Blades might not have 100% of the lead guitar firepower that founder Tracii Guns had, but he’s got 98% of it, and it works. Unfortunately the original music they’ve made for the last decade is absent. “Hellraiser’s Ball” from “Waking The Dead” is here, but only “Rock & Roll Outlaw” and “Nothing Better To Do” (with a different band member on vocals) remind you that the Guns have produced ten albums instead of two. Still, LOUD AND DANGEROUS proves the L.A. Guns still have bullets to spare. -KK

Jerry Lee Lewis
Last Man Standing
(Artists First)

Jerry Lee Lewis is one of those artists that everyone should have in their collection. He is a tool in music education and more so, the history of the rock star, as he was one of America’s first true rebels and one who helped shape the standards that rockers today still live by. He lit his piano on fire, had sex with underage girls and played like a madman possessed. In the 1950’s they thought the devil had gotten into him, but today we understand that it was nothing less than the grand spirit of rock n’ roll itself. And Jerry Lee burned at its alter! Some of the most influential artists agree with me as they lend their talents to this catalogue of duets that feature everyone from Mick Jagger to Jimmy Page to Keith Richards. The CD comes with a large book full of historical pics, lyrics and an editorial piece. Worth the buy for any true music aficionado. -LV

Los Burbanks
Snake
(Infidel)

Since the breakout of Richie Valens some 50 years ago, Latin rhythms and artists have not only infiltrated the American music charts, but have contributed strongly to the development of genres from disco to pop to hip hop. Now, Los Burbanks are taking the blending of cultures a step further and infilterating the world of indie rock with their debut album. The songs are melodic and diverse with vocals that bounce back and forth between English and Spanish. They may be a bit before their time with this one, but it will be interesting to see where they go. -LV

Mendeed
‘The Dead Live By Love’
(Nuclear Blast Records)

This album is obviously made by and for the true metal fan as Mendeed runs the full gambit in metal style and genre from song to song and riff to riff showing
A musical versatility and proficiency that’s all too often discounted. Lochrian leads against grind core rhythm span from old Iron Maiden, Metallica, Cradle of filth, and Napalm Death. Making this album a no brainer for the metal fan.
This is there third full length album and to be absolutely cliché third times a charm. Mendeed hail from Scotland and are as follows: Dave Proctor- Vocals, Steven Nixon- Lead Guitar, Steph Gilda- Guitar, Chris Lavery-bass, backing vocals, Kevin Mathews-Drums. –JJ2N!

Merendine Atomiche
'RAW'
(Mausoleum)

HOLY SHIT! This band is really, really good. They sound like a mix of Mudvayne that’s bumping uglies with Motley Crue. The very first song on this compilation “In the Cage” puts you into an emotional and mental box; making you feel trapped and igniting your fight or flight instinct.

Luca Zandarin, the vocalist leads you through an impressive range of emotions with his equally impressive vocal range. His ability to growl angrily, exciting you to the point of wanting to step into the ring with the biggest, brawniest Hells Angel you find then soothing you with his Vince Neilesque crooning, is beyond impressive.

On “Peace Means War," they showcase that they can produce songs with a deeper connection to the world we live in. The line "is bloodshed what we fight for, so peace means war?…censure and brainwashers rule law." Awash in a sea of memories, I sit watching the news of North Korea testing out nuclear weapons and this song replays in my head. I am impressed, to say the least, that this Italian band would be so in touch with the world events; with life to be able to produce music with meaning that sounds good.

Many bands are afraid to be so controversial in their lyrics or they lose an element somewhere in the construction of the tune. Kudos to them for taking a risk, for not caring about political popularity and for expressing themselves so powerfully in a language that isn’t their own. Listening to them is like listening to a rock symphony, every part fits together so perfectly. Meredine Atomiche is amazing. -Rachel

Mnemic
Passenger
(Nuclear Blast)

They describe themselves as “fusion future metal” and I think that label fits pretty well. If you are into bands like Meshuggah and Strapping Young Lad you will most defiantely dig this CD. There is also a Fear Factory influence; and there should be considering it was produced by Fear Factory’s Christian Olde Wolbers. For me personally, it was a little repetitive and lacking in melody. Their bio states that lyrically the album was built around the philosophy of Existentialism, but what’s the point when you can’t understand a word they sing/scream? -LV

Motörhead
'Kiss Of Death'
(Sanctuary)

“Death, Taxes and Motorhead” are the only things you can rely on, according to the PR release from Sanctuary Records. And they’re right, in the sense you CAN rely on Motorhead to deliver growling, raunchy, unrepentant hard METAL until Lemmy (Bassist/vocalist/songwriter Ian Kilmister) decides to surrender to cirrhosis.
     For those who would scoff, “Kiss of Death” is Motorhead’s 26th Album. TWENTY-SIXTH, yeah, big block letters for emphasis. How many other bands can boast 26 albums? Not Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath or Saxon, although they’re all close. And DAMN, did they ever outlast Led Zeppelin.
     Somewhere between being a roadie for Jimi Hendrix and playing bass for Hawkwind, Lemmy was granted a Heavy Metal Epiphany: “Play an open ‘E’ at 500 miles an hour, insert lyrics ‘bout sex and outrage, stretch it out t’four minutes, and then we’ll all meet up at th’ pub.” The Motorhead Formula was born, and continues to this day on “Kiss Of Death”. “Sucker” is a galloping opener, apparently dedicated to trend-following fools worldwide. “The Devil I Know” and “Trigger” race into line just behind it, slightly slower but full of ‘Head’s patented crash-bang-wallop, and some lyrical defiance of the female agenda.
     A few albums out of those 26 showed a strange spark of creativity and musical innovention: “Another Perfect Day” and “1916”, where Lemmy indulged in pipe organs, mellotrons, and insane yet talented blues guitarists rented from Thin Lizzy.
“Kiss Of Death” dodges that, albeit slightly…there’s a new track entitled “God was never on your side” that’s almost a (gasp) BALLAD, where Lemmy actually sings over an acoustic intro. Some other oddities are “Going Down” where ‘Head lists as many of their own song titles as they can remember (slightly like Megadeth’s “Victory”) and “R.A.M.O.N.E.S.” a remake of their tribute to New York’s Uber-Punks. Beyond that, “Kiss of Death” never strays too far from the Motorhead formula. There’s plenty of ‘romance’ to be had, with “Christine” and “Be My Baby”, and familiar antiwar themes in “Sword of Glory” and “Under The Gun” (If you ever get a patriotic urge to march off to war for your country, take a moment to listen to a Motorhead album first). You could always rely on Motorhead to deliver at least one horror-type song, and this time it’s “Kingdom Of The Worm”, which sounds like the metal song H.P. Lovecraft forgot to write.
     While it doesn’t exactly break new ground, “Kiss of Death” doesn’t need to. It’s vintage Motorhead: galloping, thrashing, and gleefully raw. -KK

Mower
'Not For You'
(Suburban Noize)

They’re right, this album ISN’T for me. This CD was as generic as new school metal can get from their overuse of double bass drums to their cookie monster sounding vocals to the disgusting picture of a dog with a bloody mouth hanging from a rope on the album cover. Even the band name is uncreative! They describe their sound as a blend of classic rock, metal, punk and whiskey. Then they actually site bands such as Jane’s Addiction and NOFX as influences! Just how much whiskey are these guys drinking?! I think its time to sober up, boys- there is absolutely no shred of Jane’s Addiction on this album nor any classic rock or punk for that matter. Its typical amateur Lamb of God wanna-be junk in my opinion and there are dozens of bands with the same sound that play way better. Their only attempt at any originality is the slaughtering of The Mama and the Papa’s “California Dreaming” which sounded like there was a barbershop quartet singing back-ups and a few Linkin Park-esque vocal harmonies that were drowned out in the mix by obnoxious blasts of power chords and drums. Then again, they come from San Diego…so I’ll give them a break for that. The album is available on Suburban Noize and that is exactly what this album sounds like…suburban noise. -LV

Nekromantix
Life’s a grave and I dig it.
(Hellcat Records)

As far psychobilly is concerned this Danish trio, Kim Nekroman-coffin bass/vocals, Troydestroy- guitar/backing vocals, Wasted James-drums/backing vocals, define it as the Nekromantix. Whether laid back, arm hung in a chopped and dropped Caddy or slamming down the brews with the crew beggin to brawl. Life’s a grave and I dig it is the perfect soundtrack for feelin cool while burnin in hell, as it provides a much needed chuckle here and there amidst the horror, sex, murder, and attitude presented in the lyrics. There philosophy is have fun and hold nothing sacred, which they absolutely have remained true to. Whether already a fan or not, this ones a no brainer. Go get the fuckin thing. -JJ2N!

New York Dolls
One Day It Will Please Us To Remember Even This
(Roadrunner)

There is something comforting about the fact that the New York Dolls still sound the same after 30 some years. It’s also comforting to see that they are still releasing albums and playing live. This album is stocked with the same glammy blues punk that gave the Dolls their following in the beginning and continues to recruit fans today. Its unique packaging includes a comic strip in the liner notes and a limited edition 2-disk package featuring a bonus track and a “making of the album” DVD. The DVD wasn’t too exciting, but the album is a must have for fans of the Dolls, new and old alike. -LV

NINE INCH NAILS
'LIVE - BESIDE YOU IN TIME'
(Interscope)
(available in DVD, HD-DVD, and BLU-RAY formats)

I hate to admit this, but I've become quite jaded over the years...
Toiling away in the bowels of the Crypt has given me the oppurtunity
to see & experience so many amazing things over the years that I tend
to be rather hard to impress.

Seriously ~ I've "been there", "done that", "seen that already",
and "have heard it all" before. But I love it, because doing what I do
here has lead me to some of the greatest experiences of my life that
I'll hold onto long after the Alzheimer's takes me into its' cold,
unforgiving grip.

But, at the same time, sometimes I hate it ~ Because it's hard to have
the same sense of excitement & enthusiasm now as I did when I was just
the creepy, freaky cripple sneaking a camera into concerts back in the
day.

Now don't get me wrong ~ I wouldn't trade my position here for all the
Jager in Germany. I'm just saying, sometimes it's hard to get worked
up over something that almost becomes routine: "What? So and so's
going on tour again? Uhh, cool. What time's will call?"

Nine Inch Nails, however, has always been my one exception. Of all the
bands I've seen, or met, or (in some cases) grew up practically
worshipping, Mr. Reznor & his band of scary men always manage to pique
my interest 'cause you never know what's coming at you next. (If
you've ever seen the BROKEN movie, you know what I mean) I've got
CLOSURE, AND ALL THAT COULD HAVE BEEN, and I attended three shows on
the "LIVE: WITH_TEETH" tour - all on different legs of the tour, in
three different states... But as cool as all the documented concert
footage thus far has been, I honestly didn't figure there was any way
that you could ever REALLY capture the feelings of actually being at one of
their shows on film.

Boy, was I wrong...

NINE INCH NAILS: LIVE - BESIDE YOU IN TIME is probably the most
amazing concert dvd I've ever seen. For starters, it was filmed
entirely in HD - so it looks totally phenomenal, even on my 20" Wal-
Mart special. And even though it takes a couple extra minutes, it'll
look even better if you go into the Set-Up menu & take the time to
perform the Visual Optimization tests.

Trust me -- call about five or six of your fellow NIN junkies over,
turn out all the lights, turn the volume WAY up (in either DTS, 5.1
surround sound, or simply in good old-fashioned stereo), and the only
thing that's going to be missing are the drunk sorority chicks
wobbling haphazardly into you during "Closer".

...Unless, of course, you happen to be watching this at a frat
house. ; )

All kidding aside, this is what I was hoping AND ALL THAT COULD HAVE
BEEN was going to be: it sucks you in, right from the start, and you
don't have to "please insert disc two" just as it's getting to the
good parts. Just make sure that you take advantage of the alternate
angle function during "Eraser", "Right Where It Belongs", and "Beside
You In Time" to get a complete view of the screen projections. [It's
always nice to see Dubya & Laura slowdancing to some NIN.] And don't
forget to peruse the bonus material - which includes footage from the
Summer '06 leg of the tour, a stills gallery that seems to go on
forever, the videos for "Only" and "The Hand That Feeds", and three
performances from rehearsals.

Not bad at all when you consider Amazon.com is selling this for $11.99

Now, if we can just get some U.S. dates booked in support of YEAR
ZERO... ; ) -The Pusher

SOUNDSTAGE PRESENTS:
ROBERT PLANT and The Strange Sensation
(Live DVD) Directed by Joe Thomas
Live from the Soundstage Studios, Chicago, IL, 9/2005
(Zoe Records) RING!
     “Hello! Did you call for a plumber?”
     “Yeah…are you a plumber?”
     “Hell bloody yes. The Golden GOD of all plumbers, in fact. What seems to be the problem?”
     “It’s the toilet…but look at you! You must be sixty years old!”
     “So?”
     “What do you mean, ‘so’? You’re too old to be a plumber! You should have retired a long time ago! It’s time to give it UP, man!”
     “BAH! What’s age got to do with it? I’ll have you know I’ve got forty-five years of experience, that’s why I’m the Golden GOD of all plumbers! Now do you need help or not?”
     “Oh, all right, c’mon in…”

     Forgive my ridiculous skit, there, but the way most critics treat veteran musicians is just as ridiculous. Someone’s made quality music for decades, but somehow they’re obliged to stop because they’re ‘too old’. Ageism is sometimes warranted when a musician or a band clearly stagnates and coasts on their prior fame, cranking out best-of collections and identical ‘live’ performances to pay the rent…or when their ‘new’ material sounds like the material they’ve already made ten times over. It’s an easy trap to fall into, so when older performers take some risks and try new directions, one ought to at least applaud them for trying.
     The ‘golden god’ himself, Mr. ROBERT PLANT of Led Zeppelin fame, has recently presented a live DVD from his new band, The Strange Sensation. From the looks of the show, Strange Sensation is not just a band but a concept…the stage set looks like a 70’s beat-poet coffeeshop, and the players and the sound fit right in. (Robert Plant and The Metrosexuals might be just as valid a name, come to think of it.) Without Jimmy Page, any regular rendition of a Led Zeppelin classic would fall short of fan approval, so Plant puts a Jazz-Folk-Pop spin on five of them. “Black Dog” is horribly neutered, robbed of its machine gun riffs, but “No Quarter”, “Four Sticks”, “Gallows Pole” and “Whole Lotta Love” grow on you like some old tenacious PLANT, ha freakin’ ha. You might just find yourself doing the Tango to “No Quarter”, or the Bossa Nova to “Four Sticks”…and indeed, you see appreciative audience members grooving along to everything. Hell, it’s Robert Plant; he could sing Three Blind Mice and you’d groove to it.
     Additionally groove-worthy are his original songs “Freedom Fries”, a thinly-disguised critique on the needless Iraq war, “The Enchanter”, which turns Black Sabbath’s “The Wizard” into a cool, loving ballad just by switching sexes. As Bonus material, Plant sings Jimi Hendrix’s “Hey Joe” and “Girl from the North Country”. Now, his version of “Hey Joe” is almost unrecognizable except for the lyrics, due to the Strange Sensation’s jazz-oriented jam style…BUT WHERE THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO FIND ROBERT PLANT SINGING A JIMI HENDRIX SONG? Nowhere, that’s right. That in itself makes this DVD an instant collector’s item.
     Rob does look a bit long in the tooth…his real age escapes me, but he’s been around the rock-block several times over. Still, he puts out more effort onstage than Ozzy (who can only move a few feet from the mic stand and back)…and you’ll hope you’ll look as good if you hit his age, whatever it is. He doesn’t crank out any histrionic screams—and he doesn’t need to. His voice is like a rich, mellowed wine. The members of his Strange Sensation are Portishead’s Clive Deamer (drums) and John Baggot (keyboards), Fuzz Against Junk’s Billy Fuller (bass), Sinead O’Connor’s Justin Adams (gimbri, darbouka (?) and guitar) and an ‘ambient’ guitarist named ‘Skin’.
     Die-hard Led Zeppelin fans will cringe at this DVD; everybody else will welcome it as a modern folk-rock treasure, since Robert Plant certainly doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone, including creating new music or performing live. But, says Plant: “The spirit of rock ‘n’ roll is live performance…there is really nothing like being in the moment when the music is connecting you to the people—it’s truly a communion.”
     Any and all Robert Plant fans…still a good amount, I daresay…here’s your communion. Now you can have the Golden God of rock in your house whenever you like, even if he won’t be doing your plumbing. -K.K.

'Porn of the Dead'
Directed and Produced by Rob Rotten
(Loaded Digital/Metro Interactive)

Rob Rotten is the Larry Flynt for this generation. He is continuously
pushing the porn industry in a direction that isn?t their norm: testing
them, teaching them that taking risks on film helps the industry to grow.

Rob Rotten has taken a huge risk, releasing his flick ?Porn of the Dead?.
It isn?t your typical, blond cheerleader gang bang. Not only does Rob
feature sex scenes with zombies but he also uses death metal for his scenes.
As we all know, porn flicks are notorious for using cheesy 70?s style music
- bom chicka chicka bom. ?Porn of the Dead? showcases the bands Impaled,
Deicide, Exmortem, Decapitated, Gorerotted and Blood Red Thrown.

It?s obvious that Rob put a lot of thought into making this movie and this
isn?t just a sloppily put together, 2 dollar project created by some band
fag in an attempt to nail chicks in the poop chute. The very first scene
starts out filmed in what appears to be 8mm with the female zombie portrayed
by Sierra Sin, showcasing a fantastic zombie stagger that would make George
Romero proud.

Sierra Sin is accosted by a curious gentleman that appears to be a
department of health worker. He, gingerly grabs her and stuffs her into his
van. After arriving at his house, he rushes in and positions her into a
recessed hole in his living room, that is carefully covered in
contractor-sized garbage bags. I assume that he is preparing to dismember
her because he returns to the pit with an axe. When he walks into his living
room he discovers a pool of blood, a blue dress and his zombie is missing
from the pit. Dropping his only means of protection , he creates an opening
for the hungering zombie.

Sierra Sin, calculatingly attacks the man, shredding his clothing
because this zombie isn?t just ravenous for brains she wants to get fucked
too. After she gets her fill and gets anally filled by him, Sierra Sin
violently ravages the young mans pecker in a way that would make a true
horror fan cheer. Blood spurts everywhere; if you are watching this with a
male significant other like I was, the ?Holy Shit!? check the package
reaction that it will elicit, is hilarious.

Sierra Sin?s makeup is so well done, you expect chunks of her to fall off
while she is getting her hard sausage enema. The only unfortunate thing is
that while she is getting railed, her makeup starts to sweat off leaving
what looks like a disgusting rash on her well endowed, anal plunging
companion.

Rob?s porn, is very Tales from the Cryptesque, in that it has several
short flicks combined tackling a similar horrific topic; screwing and
getting screwed by the undead.

If you are an ?anal? aficionado, looking for something ?different? or you
want a good background conversation piece for your party, I would highly
recommend ?Porn of the Dead?. If you are looking for the same old-same old ,
cookie cutter buxom blond gets fucked by a hairy manatee, buy ?Porn of the
Dead? anyway to help improve your generic taste. -Rachel

Robot Goes Here
The bite is in my blood
(Infidel Records)

Reminiscent of watching your friend play Nintendo’s legend of Zelda and refusing to give you a turn while listening to They Might Be Giants, or being stuck on a carousel because the operator has borderline OD’d on methamphetamine. Aside from the music and its poppy electronica and occasional attempts at breakdowns and a tough guy yell hear and there to suggest just maybe this could be heavy. Almost all not so favorable analogies aside, lyrically the album I believe is an accomplishment as most of it is intelligent and WTF am I saying they have a self proclaimed definitive cover of AC/DC’s
Back in Black which is nothing more than an insult, as told by Max headroom on crack.
Mr. Bon Scott himself is at this very moment, clawing his way out of his casket on a mission to pimp smack Nick Nuccio, Chris Antal, John Schaub, and Dave Rand whom is the soul perpetrator of this atrocity. –JJ2N!

Slayer
Christ Illusion
(American Records)

I remain an avid Slayer fan for one reason and one reason only, no matter how many years go by and what the current sound trend in heavy music is, they always stay loyal to the characteristics of classic heavy metal. They play fast, but they don’t overuse the double bass drum, they sing aggressively, but they don’t distort the vocals past audibility, and they incorporate that signature metal guitar solo sound into their songs in just the right dosage. I simply can’t listen to this album without banging my head just a little. The only thing I’d like to see Slayer evolve in is their lyrical content. Christ Illusion takes on pretty much the same subject matter as many of their past albums as well as other albums of this genre, religion. Lyrically, the album follows the struggle inside one’s man head to define his spirituality in the midst of a world who’s main religion is based on lies, fear, wars and conspiracies. It’s a battle we of the underground know well. My issue is that over and over again these other-wisely brilliant metal albums, while seeming to identify the problem quite well, don’t seem to offer any kind of real solution. From the song “Cult”: “Religion is hate, religion is fear, religion is war, religion is rape, religion’s obscene, religion’s a whore, etc. I’ve made my choice 666.” I know that references to the Bible’s version of the devil is what put bands like Slayer at the top of their game some two decades ago, but I feel that kids are getting more and more aware of the lies that surround them today, and that maybe a new perspective other than the Christ vs. Satan fiasco would be even more mind expanding. Religion is evil, no doubt…but doesn’t that lead one to believe that religion may actually be a creation of the devil and not God? I am a little tired of being offered only the choices of religion or Satan. I think religion IS Satan. To me it seems as if these bands are bringing their audience right back into what it was they hated in the first place…injustice, lies and hypocrisy. I think it would be really cool if bands like Slayer could tap into a spiritual belief that transcends both Satan and the lie of Christ. We know what the falsehoods are, we’ve heard about them for years- now give us the truth! -LV

Speed/Kill/Hate
'Acts of Insanity'
(Escapi)

Basic hardcore metal. Its kind of on the Slayer side at times and I like that the vocals are more old school hardcore than new school metal, but the songs really all sound very much alike. There really wasn’t any songs on this album that stood out to me and all the lyrical content was pretty much cliché with titles like “Walls of Hate” and “Violence Breeds”. I like listening to ultra-aggressive music sometimes, but I really wish some of these bands would write about topics other than hate, pain, war and how tough they are. -LV

Spyderbaby
'Let Us Prey'

Dope meets Ministry with more tortured type vocals and I must say not in the same league as for mentioned comparison but close. A live show would have to be the yay or nay as hints of the sleaze glam era are present. I think it’s targeted more at the ladies.
Each song however sounds different then the next as the 7th track is all out heavy, original, and considering my taste was worth a second listen. So if you find yourself desiring a fast heavy Orgy as opposed to the limp dick one this one’s for you. -JJ2N!

The Stooges
'The Weirdness
(Virgin)

I was worried about this album. There was so much that could’ve gone wrong. It could sound too polished; it could sound too unpolished; it could flat out sound like a couple of elderly burnouts imitating teenagers. Maybe Iggy would screw up again and bog it down with a slew of mediocre bands like 2003’s Skull Ring. Given, the Green Day appearance on “Supermarket” was pretty good, but Sum 41? If I wanted to hear non-threatening false punk I would’ve stolen my little sister’s I-Pod, not buy an Iggy Pop album.

Fortunately, I was just paranoid and the album eludes all of those traps. The production quality finds a healthy balance between the two extremes, the Ashetons sound as genuine as ever, and the only thing close to a special guest is Mike Watt of the Minutemen, who seamlessly fills in the for the dearly departed Dave Alexander.
The album doesn’t sound much like its predecessors, but that’s to be expected. Fun House didn’t sound like their debut and Raw Power didn’t seem anything like Fun House. However, it still feels distinctively Stooges, especially in the sense that underneath the wonderful chaos and grime of each tune, there is the skeleton of a respectable song. The opening track “Trollin’” sounds like Bowie’s “Rebel, Rebel” on angel dust, “Free and Freaky In The USA” has surprisingly cool lyrics for the silliness that the chorus implies, and on the title track “The Weirdness” Iggy channels the ghost of Jim Morrison. Given, none of these come close to “Down on the Street” or “TV Eye”, but I was hoping for a decent reunion album, not a miracle. -Dr. J.J. D

THE HITCHER
Rogue/Intrepid Pictures; Written by Eric Red, Produced by Michael Bay, Directed by David Meyers; Starring Sean Bean, Sophia Bush, Zachary Knighton, Neal McDonough.

About a decade back, the original HITCHER tore your nerves out and stretched them for miles down a bleak, friendless western highway. C. Thomas Howell played a naïve young driver with the bad luck to pick up a sadistic sociopath played by Rutger Hauer. Their ongoing cat-and-mouse game left a long line of corpses behind them, for nihilistic reasons known only to The Hitcher.
The new remake of THE HITCHER hits on enough cylinders to make it worth the money, although it doesn’t quite stack up to the original. Eric Red’s original film had a different confrontation every other minute, with each one becoming more shocking and violent. In its climax, Hauer has the hapless Jennifer Jason Leigh chained up to a truck and set for dismemberment, unless Howell shoots him, which he dares him to do. In this remake the same scene plays out far more graphically. Unfortunately it seems like David Meyers is in a furious rush to get to that scene, and leaves out a lot of other nail-biting material which would still shock new audiences.
As a contemporary cinematic Everyman, Sean Bean (Equilibrium, Flightplan, Silent Hill) is adequate in the title role, although his Hitcher is a quieter, emptier madman compared with Hauer’s gleeful thrill-killer. The Hitcher is given two human targets this time around in the young lovers played by Bush and Knighton. While not reaching Howell’s level of terror and despair, they both project believable paranoia as they jump from the proverbial frying pan into the fire. Neal McDonough (Walking Tall) is particularly good as the Sheriff caught between them (“You gotta be five-finger-fuckin’ me!”), except in confronting the captured Hitcher: “Why’d you do it?” The Hitcher quietly asks “Why not?” You might ask the same question of Messrs. Bay and Meyers regarding this remake, and you might get the same answer. Either version of THE HITCHER serves up decent thrills, it’s just a question of what cast you prefer.
--K.K.

Therion
Gothic Kabbalah
(Nuclear Blast)

A very interesting and innovative album! In the past, this band has experimented with both male and female vocals of impressive range, occult lyrical concepts, keyboards, Persian music scales, jazz, Celtic sounds industrial music, gothic chanting and classic metal sounds. This album plays like a dark metal Broadway musical with operatic vocals and unconventional instruments blended into all the rock standards. The female vocals were especially strong. I’ll be hanging onto this one! -LV

Thor
'Devastation of Musculation'
(Smog Veil)

I was annoyed by the shitty lyrics and the overly simplified background noise that is normally referred to as a band. The band might be amusing to watch live, if you can’t afford tickets to see GWAR.

The music video ‘Release the Beast” musically sucks but has some unintended humor. The lead singer is a former late 70s early 80s bodybuilder. He features a lot of corny, 80’s style footage of himself prancing around trying to act tough in his shiny speedo. He even swings his mighty hammer and repels a crowd mostly full of women.

None of the songs are even worth mentioning individually; briefly, in one word I could say that allthesongsondevastationofmusculationsucked.

Anyone know a good Optometrist? I think I burned out my eyeballs watching "Mr. Fancy Pants" prance around trying to act like a big bad metalhead in his Speedo. -Rachel

Towers of London
Blood, Sweat & Towers
(TVT Records)

Listening to this band’s obvious influences should have me liking them by default. Their riffs and style reflect some of the greatest punk bands like the Sex Pistols and The Dead Boys and they dress like they are trying to look like a cross between The Ramones and The New York Dolls. However, something about this band just isn’t convincing to me. Their songs are upbeat and fun but they’re a bit over the top with exaggerated British accents and choruses that don’t quite deliver the punch. The sound is also a bit too polished for its punk content. Even the videos that come on the disk, though entertaining, kinda scream poser! It’s like watching Motley Crue try to be punk rock. I think I’d like them better if they focused their music more towards the glam rock vein since it seems to be what they truly are. -LV

TURISTAS
Fox Atomic Films/2929 Productions; Directed By John Stockwell, Written by Michael Arlen Ross; Starring Josh DuHamel, Melissa George, Desmond Askew, Olivia Wilde, Beau Garrett, Max Brown, Miguel Lunardi, Agleis Steib

Thomas Wolfe once wrote “You can’t go home again”, and that sentiment becomes the chilling reality of TURISTAS, an unexpectedly good new horror film. Whether it’s based on actual events or not, is irrelevant—actual events will probably be based on IT.
     Perhaps someone at Fox Atomic saw HOSTEL and thought, “Y’know, if we set that in Brazil, the girls could be in bikinis through the whole film!” And so they are…but after the first liver is removed, you’re no longer concerned with T&A.
     Duhamel, George, Askew and company find a beachside bar in rural Brazil that seems straight out of a Corona ad. They do get one good party out of it, before getting drugged and robbed. Facing hostile locals and no police force at all, they accept an apparently friendly offer of shelter from another partier…in an isolated house that doubles as an organ transplant clinic. And Dr. Zamora doesn’t care if the Turistas want to keep their organs or not. Hell, his nurse even warns them to run, and he’s the first mercenary butcher in cinematic history to supply anaesthetic.
     Listening to Zamora’s machiavellian murder philosophy will probably stun you (“I’ve got twelve hours to get your livers, kidneys and corneas into that chopper outside…I really wish your hearts could save one of our young children, but it can’t stay outside the body over six hours”) unless you’re incredibly jaded. It made me yearn for the days of Jason and various screen psychos who killed for no reason at all.
      Through a bit of luck some of the Turistas manage to escape, resulting in a bloody battle, a harrowing jungle chase, and a truly nerve-wrenching underwater cat-and-mouse game in some flooded caves—probably the first of its kind on film. TURISTAS is also memorable in that the bad guys are just as desperate and/or unlucky as their victims, and a working knowledge of the Portugese language turns out to be just as good a weapon as a well-placed rock. Duhamel is good as the put-upon hero, and Askew (seeming to continue the same character he played in GO) offers some welcome caustic comedy. Refreshingly, the ladies of the cast actually help instead of the usual begging and pleading.
     Ultimately what makes TURISTAS effective is the fish-out-of-water element that’s all too real…who hasn’t felt like a potential victim in a place where they’re the outsider? A Mexican co-worker of mine told me that organ theft is almost commonplace in Mexico City. When TURISTAS finishes its run, I can see tourism in Latin America dropping by a significant percentage…hell, I can see a lot of people not wanting to leave their houses.      -KK

UFO
The Monkey Puzzle
SPV/Steamhammer

UFO’s latest CD “The Monkey Puzzle” certainly is a puzzle: a puzzle why UFO, with their decades of musical knowledge and skill, would actually create a bad album. UFO is one of my favorite bands of all time, and I was psyched to see “The Monkey Puzzle” out in the stores. I really, really hope it’ll grow on me. The cover art—a photo of a man on television, with an empty chair in the foreground—is not particularly impressive, and therefore perfectly represents the album itself. Opener “Hard Being Me” tries to be a mid-tempo slide-guitar boogie, but it’s too slow and pedestrian. UFO has another guitar virtuoso in Vinnie Moore, but he’s given nothing to do in “Hard Being Me” besides a short, lackluster solo (and apparently, he’s writing 90% of the riffs on the album). “Heavenly Body” is even slower, with a leaden riff that sounds all right at first but repeats itself into boredom. Moore does liven it up slightly with some of his trademark rippling scales, but those same scales turn out to be the highlights of every song, and they sound monotonous after awhile. Harmonicas and keyboards try to enhance “Some Other Guy”, and fail, just as the acoustic intro to “Who’s Fooling Who” doesn’t improve it either. “Black and Blue” rocks a little bit, but come on, damn it, this is the band that shocked your skull with “Lights Out”, “Rock Bottom” and practically invented Euro-metal! Seven songs into “The Monkey Puzzle”, every UFO fan will still be searching for some fast, vibrant, vaguely metallic song, and not finding it.
Phil Mogg apparently took the reins again and decided to make “The Monkey Puzzle” a straight blues record…all the lyrics are his. Mogg’s always been a good, melodic singer, but his lyrics are rife with depressing imagery: lost love, lost fortunes, the Bukowski lifestyle of getting thrown out of bars. The result is a damned good Robert Cray album, but UFO isn’t Robert Cray. If you like blues, jump on “The Monkey Puzzle”. If you like UFO, hope their next album’s better. -K.K. (2 out of 5 Crypts)

Warrant
Born Again
(Downboys Records-distributed by Deadline records)

I last saw the ‘reincarnated’ Warrant playing off of a semi-truck stage at the Laughlin River Run Bikefest in 2005. New frontman Jaime St. James (formerly of Black and Blue, and the only band member who’ll talk to you if you don’t have breasts) said “Got some news for ya: this summer, a brand new Warrant CD! Totally old-school rock and roll!”
That CD, 'BORN AGAIN,' is finally out 10 months later. It is indeed totally old-school rock and roll. Rock fans will appreciate it; metalheads will not. It’s got 12 songs focusing on hot babes and alcohol, pretty much what anyone expects from Warrant. On the downside, Warrant had already milked the titties & beer themes dry on their first two albums…it was DOG EAT DOG and their following albums that proved they could write intelligent songs (“April 2031”) and rock like crazy (“Inside Out”, “Machine Gun” “The Hole In My Wall”, etc.) The reason was their original singer Jani Lane’s graduation from poser to actual songwriter. While Warrant could never really be thought of as a heavy metal band, each of their albums contained a few gems of diamond-hard rock with some blistering fretwork from Joey Allen.
Since Lane’s songs catapulted Warrant to platinum status, his departure would have knocked any band flat…unless a veteran 80’s yowler like St. James was available. He gives the band a whole new flavor; a Warrant cake with Black & Blue icing, if you will. They’re no longer wholly recognizable as Warrant, but after a few listens you realize 'BORN AGAIN' is still a damned good rock album. “Good Times” and “Roller Coaster” are both hard-edged, driving stompers; “Angels” and “Glimmer” are cool anthems in praise of women, and the other songs are all eminently enjoyable with tasty guitar licks everywhere. There isn’t a single downbeat song on BORN AGAIN; “Devil’s Juice” and “Dirty Jack” make alcoholic insanity seem like fun. They could have improved things by turning the speed and lyrical complexity up a notch or two, but I’ll give ‘em a break…they’ve just been born again, after all. -K.K.

Wicked Wisdom
'Wicked Wisdom'
(Suburban Noize)

Wicked Wisdom’s self-titled first album is actress, Jada Pinkett Smith’s attempt at singing. It is a general rule that while rock stars often make great actors, actors make terrible rock stars. This album however, would be the exception to the rule. The songs didn’t blow me away, but the lyrics were decent with themes of female empowerment and it’s nice to see Jada doing hardcore metal rather than the R&B type stuff that most people would expect from her. She trades her sexy image in to be a badass rock chick on this album and her voice is on the masculine side with a deep rasp. I don’t think it will get much airplay, but they definitely have potential, if they last long enough to make a second album. -LV

Zombina and the Skeletones
Death Valley High
(EctoPlastic Records)

A fun horror pop concept album about a high school love triangle. Teen angst, obsessive love, deception, revenge, the megaplex…it’s all here. The Skeletones have a very cutesy riot-grrl feel a la Bikini Kill or Josie Cotton even. It’s like early Donnas gone dark meets psycho beach party. Love it! -LV